You have already met on a first date and quickly become closer, konflikt in der beziehung, liebe, liebesbotschaften, kommuniktation, relationship, intimität, paired apps, ehe

He/She doesn't know what he/she wants: What you should do!

You have already met on a first date and quickly become closer. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you gave it a name and talked about a relationship?

Even if you call the new man/woman in your life your boyfriend/girlfriend, they still need two people. What should you do if they have no idea what they want? This can help you assess whether the chances for a relationship are good.


Why doesn't he/she know what they want? Possible reasons!

Cause in childhood

If a man/woman doesn't know what they want, there could be several reasons. First, early childhood attachment anxiety could develop. The ability to be serious will deteriorate if he/she has no constant caregivers or good experiences.

Cause in past relationships

Even if one is older, significant events such as infidelity in a previous relationship can cause him/her to have no clear idea of what they want. If the fear of loss is stronger than the desire for a connection, then a close relationship may be avoided. A lack of self-esteem makes it difficult to engage in a relationship and leads to uncertainty and fear about how he/she feels.

The unlimited possibilities in partner search

Another reason why he/she doesn't know what they want could be due to the endless possibilities of finding a partner. Another possible explanation: We have more freedom in love than ever before.

Some men/women find it difficult to focus on the actual problem because they are thinking about who is best suited to them. So, if he/she doesn't know what they want, as is the case with many people, he/she reacts by blocking contact with the woman/man he/she has just met.

5 tips on how to deal with this type of man/woman

If he/she doesn't know what they feel, talk to him/her:

Talk openly with your partner about your concerns and fears and make it clear that the situation stresses you out. Is he/she just your last resort or is there perhaps hope for an explanation for the condition? There must be clarity in this area.

Take away his/her worries

Is there something else at play? Do you think he/she simply doesn't want a relationship with you? Perhaps everything is moving too fast, and the unusual closeness and love overwhelm him/her, so he/she doesn't know what he/she wants.

Take a step back and give him/her his/her own space so that he/she doesn't get scared of his/her feelings in the situation. He/she will understand that you don't want to take over his/her whole life, but that you want to be a part of it in this way.

Give him/her a sense of security

He doesn't know what he/she wants? Relationship anxiety can be caused by feelings of inadequacy. If you believe that your partner is not at peace with himself/herself, try to show him/her how much you appreciate him/her.

Cut off contact for a certain period

If, after all else, he/she still doesn't know what he/she wants and continues to withdraw, a ban on contact or a temporary separation could help clarify the emotional climate.

Sometimes a little space can help calm things down. But be careful: the effect can also be negative for you if the man/woman doesn't miss you, but instead enjoys his/her newfound freedom.

Avoid Drama

Emotional blackmail and too much pressure won't get you anywhere, so stock up on tissues if he/she doesn't know what he/she wants. Genuine feelings cannot be forced, and a relationship based on guilt or pity will fail from the start.

When a man/woman doesn't know what he/she wants: When is it time to make a clear statement?

At least when you and his/her behavior become a real burden for you and he/she makes you unhappy, he/she should take a stand. Does he/she really not know what he/she wants, or is he/she simply not interested in entering into a committed relationship?

You will quickly lose interest in your family, friends, and acquaintances if you are always on standby, not to miss any encounters with your future partner. A contact ban can be useful if he/she doesn't know what he/she wants.

In summary: If he/she doesn't know what he/she wants, you have to accept it!

If the problem doesn't change despite open conversations and/or a short period of time, it is only advantageous to make a clean break. It may be hard to accept, but a man/woman who cannot commit to you clearly after the initial phase of getting to know each other is probably not the partner with whom you can build a pleasant, equal relationship.

So, before you waste your time with a man/woman who doesn't know what he/she feels, draw a line.

Back to blog

Meet the Author

Heike Kraft

Far too often, couples break up, not because they're not a match... but because they don't have the right "tools" to resolve their conflicts. As the founder of LoveLane, I want to help couples love more consciously and appreciate each other more. In the last few years, I have built many different digital products, including a self-coaching app. Through my training as an integral coach and from personal experiences, interpersonal relationships have become even more important to me. I'm really excited to be able to bring these two areas together at LoveLane and help couples love more.